The following tale is mostly true, after a fashion. It is not my will to present anything other than the truth, and these events must be told. However, I must admit the contents of this diary seem, at best, odd. While I do not doubt the original text is still held within the pages, much has been lost from damage and "revisions." If these rewrites and strike outs are penned by the same hand that wrote the original entries or not, I cannot say. What I present now are the pages of the diary in their fullest...
July XX, XXXX
It's been a year since her death, my dear, sweet ________. I remember the first night I met her. It was a chilly December's eve and she had forgotten her coat at the restaurant. We had all met for our monthly get together. Jim had brought her. Jim was always a sporting chap, but not very coy with the ladies. He thought by bringing ________ he could somehow woo her. I was at once enraptured.
Enraptured may even be too soft a word! Oh how beautiful she was! The light of the sun would pale in comparison to her radiance! No master sculptor could every create this kind of beauty. No artist ever paint such a masterpiece. No dress nor jewelry was ever beautiful before she wore it. But I'm rambling... I cannot think. I cannot truly write, for I am a man haunted by memories...
July X5, XXXX
Oh torments of torments! Oh woe of woes! Last night as I lay restless in mine own bed, I dreamt the most unfortunate of nightmares! My love, my sweet ________ was calling out to me from the beyond. I know not how she came to be in my dreams, but there she was! I ran to, as quickly as I could, but alas, I could not reach her! As I neared my love, a swirling darkness overtook her!
Try as I might, the darkness would not subside so I could rescue ________! Oh how I wept upon awaking. The tears now still in my eyes as I pen this entry. My very vision blurred by their presence! I fear sleep for it might bring much of the same misfortune as last night. However, this experience has drained me, and I must rest...
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Ah, how refreshing an afternoon in the garden can be! My earlier dementia is no longer present. I have come to realize that the mind plays strange tricks on one, especially when reliving the death of one's wife. It is hard to believe it has already been a full year since I lost her.
Her illness overtook her suddenly, unexpectedly. No one could understand how she fell with the disease, nor could any of the many doctors we tried in desperation find a cure. Oh how many restless hours we spent in fear. I spent... Even while dying, my dear ________ always smiled. Every morn, even though I hardly slept from fear she would die in her sleep, her smiling face always greeted me. She always smiled, even though I always worried...
July XX, 1XXX
These dreams! Oh how I am tormented by these dreams! As my earlier entries describe the madding nightmares I am faced with near nightly! For the past couple of weeks my sleep has been disturbed with tormenting visions of my ________! Oh why am I so haunted!
This night, the vision was clearer than the last. It was as though vines of utter darkness began to overtake my beloved. Try as I might, I could not reach her, as some unknown, unseen force kept me at bay. Oh my love! Why can I not reach you!?
JXXy 2X, XXXX
It has been two days since I dared pen this journal. My sleep has been fitful at best. My friends worry for my health, but they cannot understand, no one can! My love, my sweet, my beloved! She is in danger! I cannot rest until I save her. I must save ________!
The nightmares have become worse, longer still. I try to save her as she ignores me. Ignores me as she always has. In every dream, ignoring me! Oh, why my sweet? Did I betray you somehow? Please, reveal my error!
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I regret my earlier penning, for it was not wholly truthful. I had begun to speak ill my beloved. She is nothing but beautiful. In my state, I betrayed that beauty, something I will do what I can to avoid.
August XX, 1XXX
It is not my beloved that is being pulled away! It is I! Those vines are overtaking me! Once I realized this, I tried to fight them! They are trying to take me away from her! Yet, I am beginning to think this is best.
While the sickness was destroying her, I was sick with worry. Yet, she would not comfort me! Nay! She went as far as to smile, daily! Like she was laughing, laughing at me! That sickness had so corrupted her, she did not even feel. Sadness, happiness, these were but words to her!
Oh, how I could continue to watch her decay and slip into madness. The doctors assured me that she was find, but it was clear her mind was slipping. She was no longer my beloved, no, not mine. She was becoming some foul thing. When death finally overtook her, I'm sure she was at peace. Yes, peace...
August XX, XXXX
Foulest of foul, betrayers! These so-called friends, these serpents! These monsters! They have been plotting against me clearly! As I have been assaulted nightly by a foul creature in the guise of my beloved, they have been staging a plan to harm me, perhaps kill me!
Questionable sanity? They dare question if I am sane? Am I the only one to understand? No, many cases of visitations have been recorded, I am not the first. Many departed souls visit their loved ones in dreams. The great poets and writers record such themselves! Yet they claim I may have gone mad. I tell you now, I am clearly not daft!
Yes, I was in pain for my beloved, but it was torturous to see her so! ________! I could not see you suffer so! I had to do something! I could not sit by and watch you die. Especially when your doctor was murdered. Though it was a terrible deed, I cannot help but think he deserved it. He would not help you, he refused it! Begging all the while for more money, tell me he would not treat you otherwise! He was paid handsomely, and deserved none of it!
Can I tell you a story?
Possibly the greatest told,
The story of my Lord King?
He didn't have to come,
This didn't have to be.
He didn't have to come,
What couldn't we see?
Can I sing you a love song?
Possibly the greatest sung,
The love song of my Lord King?
Why did He have to come?
Was the world really gone?
Why did He have to come?
Is this sin really wrong?
Can I show you new way?
Possibly the greatest lived,
The new way of my Lord King?
If He never came
This wouldn't be
No Savior, No Friend
No Hope, No Love
We'd all be slaves to hate
Born to be stuck in system
Broken, Tainted
Scared, Sick
I couldn't be free if He never Came
I couldn't stand if He hadn't Died
I couldn't breathe if He hadn't Rose Again
I couldn't laugh if He hadn't Saved me
Now you know what to do,
Pray to Jesus, see it through
He can Save you too
How do I say good-bye
when I still remember your touch?
How do I stand tall
when I still see your smile?
How do I sleep tonight
when I still hear your voice?
What if I held on longer?
What if I was there?
What if I stayed that night?
What if I...
How can I laugh out loud
when I still remember your smell?
How can I walk again
when I still see you standing there?
How can I learn to love
when I still hear your dreams?
What if I held on longer?
What if I was there?
What if I stayed that night?
What if I...
How can I say good-bye?
You're there in my dreams...
How can I say good-bye?
I miss you so much...
How can I say good-bye
when I never let you go?
I cried the other night
When I thought of you
And remember the
Times we spent together
Did you know that night?
Did you try to tell me?
I often wonder if
I've lived a good life
If you'd be proud
Or if you'd cry
Did you know that night?
Did you try to tell me?
I'll never forget that night
Or the promise I try to keep
Because I think I loved you
As dearly as any one before
Did you know that night?
Did you try to tell me?
You are my wildest dream
You are my fondest memory
I'll live a life you can be proud of
And hope you are redeemed
I should have held on longer,
I wish I could have said good-bye...
Do the chains that bind
really have to bind me?
Do the words that sting
really have to hurt so?
Do the tears we shed
really have to be so cold?
It wasn't meant to be this way
when it wasn't meant to be...
Why do fears leave us lonely
and hurts give us pause?
Why do mothers hate their children
and fathers scorn their families?
Why are broken homes common
and additions a way of life?
It wasn't meant to be this way
when it wasn't meant to be...
Is it so hard to hope,
but so easy to cry?
Is it better to run away,
but never stand your ground?
Is it right never to trust,
but always lash out?
It wasn't meant to be this way
when it wasn't meant to be...
Jesus came to save us
when we didn't know
that we needed to be
saved from the darkness
we had always known
and He showed us more.
It isn't meant to be this way
when there's so much more to be.